we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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