Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
zippers are such a cool invention
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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