she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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