She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
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I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
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Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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