my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
