So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
