I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Watching her eat just hurts me
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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