If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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