u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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