Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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