totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
