I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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