I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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