yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
it's like heaven, but drunker
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm like, not good at living.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
