First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
