hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
