I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
