You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
