Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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