im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
