Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
