Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
