It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
