Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize