It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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