Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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