Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
My balls are so social today.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
