My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
