Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things ππ
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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