my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
