community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
