OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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