He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
