LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
