I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize