Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
