Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It's official drugs can't kill me
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
