She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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