I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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