So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
