I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
