I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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