I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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