I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
a search helicopter?!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
