my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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