Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
