you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
