My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
