I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
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He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
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I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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