bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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