I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
