In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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