He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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