i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
