Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
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If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
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I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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