true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You're a waste of cheezeits
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
