Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
my liver is dry heaving
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
