last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
