I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
